Miracles of December
by iamrotting
Summary: A Christmas-y one-shot. The day that she was born was the day where every body should be exchanging gifts and singing carols. It was Anna's happiest, yet the most heart-wrecking moment of her life. Rated T for swearing. Inspired by the anime, "Clannad".


She was a sick girl.

I loved her.

We got married a year right after high school and we were happy.

She was a sick girl.

All her life, she was so sick, so ill but she lived like no other. She was happy. But she was sick, so fragile, so weak, and so gentle to me and to everyone around that I didn't — wouldn't even dare lay a hand— a finger on her.

I never liked school. Waking up, getting dress, eating breakfast, and then walking to school. The daily boring routine.

I never liked doing this stuff.

So I skipped. I started heading out from home to school late.

My grades dropped.

I didn't have any friends anyway. I was a troublemaker too. What was the point?

We first met outside of the school. It was spring that time and I was alone, walking uphill until I saw her, standing alone in the middle of the empty path, gulping deep breaths in and out, in and out multiple times softly. I watched her curiously from behind, tilting my head. I couldn't see her face, but those golden locks of hers.

I was late for school already. I didn't have time for this.

No, really what did I care? I rolled my eyes and was just about to walk until—

"Ice cream!" she screamed all of the sudden. I blinked at the soft, yet loud voice of hers. Ice cream, she screamed again. I looked around, feeling completely embarrassed for the girl. The path was empty, I knew. At least other people didn't have to witness such embarrassment. At least the girl didn't have to be bullied.

Ice cream, she screamed again. I groaned silently and smacked my head. I walked up to her slowly, carefully and was astounded by how gorgeous she looked. I watched her for a second. Her eyes were shut as she began to start yelling again, taking another deep breath. Oh god.

"What are you doing?" I began to ask before she could even start embarrassing herself further. She opened her eyes and blinked, turning to the opposite direction of where I was actually standing. I rolled my eyes at the clumsy girl.

"Right here, dumbie," I said. She turned to me and observed. A smile came across her face.

"Hi." Her voice was gentle. "Is there something you need?"

I shook my head. "I just wanted to ask you why you were yelling "Ice cream!" all of the sudden in the middle of the day."

She had her hands folded together in front of her, a school bag in her hands. She tilted her head, turning her whole body to my direction. I eyed her. She was extremely skinny.

"Do you not think of something that you like when you're nervous?" Something to think about.

But I wasn't afraid of anything, really. Nothing to think about.

"No," I said. She was a bit disappointed. I gladly ignored her. "You didn't think of it. You shouted it, dumbie."

She pouted. "Don't call me that."

"Well, I wouldn't if you weren't shouting that for three times."

"You were watching?"

I smirked. "It was amusing." She was blushing.

"Come on, dumbie, let's go before school ends." I started walking up the hill again without her. Why should I be walking with her anyway? I didn't even know her. I wouldn't even care if she or I get yelled at. I... didn't have many friends anyway. All I had were the teachers who would constantly yell at me when they had the chance. Not that I really care much, anyway.

"Do you..." I halted and turned back.

Huh?

My eyes widened in shock at how beautiful she was as the wind blew softly, spring leaves flowing in the air smoothly and around her, her hair going with the wind, flowing along with it. Her eyes were gentle; her smile was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. Her voice... weak... small... soft... beautiful.

"Do you... like this school?" she asked.

No.

"What...?" I whispered. It was clear that my heart was pounding fast.

"Do you like this school?"

I remained quiet and continued to stare. She brought her hand up to her chest and took a deep breath.

"I'm... a very sick girl. I rarely went to school last year because of my sickness that... can't be cured for some reason. And because of that, I got left back. I don't have any friends now. Do you... like this school?"

I stayed silent. Wow... she was... she was gorgeous...

"Do you like this school...?" She took a step forward. I took a step back.

"I-I..." I stuttered. I was blushing hard.

"Do you like this school...?"

"No." A sturdy answer.

"Do you have any friends in this school?"

"No."

"Then..."

I stared, eyes widened, my heart started aching.

"Then... would you... like to help me through the years? Would you... be my friend?" Her voice was so gentle. Her eyes were sparkling so gently, so happily that I'd already forgotten about what she'd said about her sickness. She took a step forward again, a hand out stretched to me. I took a step back again, clenching onto my school bag. I started at her hand. It must've felt so soft.

"Would you?" she asked. I looked up to her eyes, her smile, and her hair sweeping to the left from where the wind was blowing. Wow...

Subconsciously and slowly, I took her hand. I twitched. I was hesitant. But I took it. It was soft around mine, gentle around mine. Her smile was beautiful.

I looked up to her eyes, seeing this girl grinning at me as if she was the happiest girl alive.

"Would you... like to be my friend?" she asked. I couldn't help but grip onto her hand gently.

"I... would," I told her.

And because of her, I was the happiest girl in the world. Because of her, we'd met many other friends, most of them that loved causing trouble like me. Because of her, their behaviors improved. Because of her, my grades improved. Because of her, I looked forward to class every day. Because of her, my relationship with the teachers improved.

I was doing well.

She was my support.

She was my best friend—my only friend.

I loved her.

It was junior year when she suddenly became sick, rarely going to school. It worried me a lot to the point that it sickened me and I'd go to her home a lot and spend time with her, even if I had to skip school. She was such a bother. I never complained.

She protested me against skipping school every time I did, but she was so weak that sometimes, she couldn't even tell me that. She'd always have that look though and I'd even know what she wanted to say.

I groaned. "I know, I skipped. But so what?! It's just once and you're more important than school."

She coughed as she tried to speak, trying to get out of bed. My heart ached to see her this way.

"A-Anna—"

"Alright, alright, I'm so sorry..." I whispered to her, pushing her down back to bed. "I'm sorry... I shouldn't have skipped. You're right... I won't do that again..."

I stared at her pout.

"Promise...?" she rasped out with such a horrible voice. Her pinky was out from the blanket. She was so hot, so weak.

She was suffering.

I smiled bitterly. "I promise." I took her picky with mine and shook. "Please eat..." I told her.

She smiled weakly and nodded. I could barely see the movement. When I got out to the kitchen, I microwaved some porridge her parents left behind. I didn't even realize tears were falling down until I felt a drop on my palm.

Huh?

I wiped my cheeks, feeling more tears. I chuckled, trying to get them all off. It just... wouldn't...

I could see Elsa from the kitchen, sleeping, breathing heavily but was so silent that I thought she had already—

My eyes widened. I hated the thought. I hated myself for thinking like that.

I hated myself.

And before I knew it, I was crying so hard that I needed to cover my mouth from making any noises, leaning against the wall on my back and slowly falling down to the ground. I curled myself up into a ball, trying to get away from this reality.

So weak... She was so weak... like a baby.

So weak...

It'd been two years since I'd met her.

Ever since junior year, she was as healthy and as alive as ever. She'd never gotten any illness after that. And she was so proud of herself. I was proud.

It was a miracle that she was graduating high school with me, beside me. I had to keep an eye on her, always. But this time, she stayed strong and was so happy, taking a diploma out of her teacher's hands. I watched her as she came towards the microphone.

I was sitting in the front row with our friends, watching her happily.

She was smiling so widely and so proudly, gripping onto the piece of paper as if it held her future.

"Anna do you see this?" she spoke, looking at me. It hurt. The way she smiled. The way she smiled so happily and so strongly in front of me and to our friends and students. She was happy, I could tell. The happiest girl in the world. "Do you see this?" she repeated. I smiled and nodded.

I wanted to rip my hair out.

It hurt.

I didn't like holding in the tears. But I held it in, gripping onto my knee, pinching my skin, my mind telling me not to cry, not to sob my heart out in front of her. I wanted her to be happy. I didn't want her to ask, be curious about why I was sobbing so badly all of the sudden.

"Anna, I graduated. I'm going to college, Anna."

_Yes. Yes you are._

"Anna..."

I stared silently with a smile. Everyone was watching us.

"Anna, do you like this school?"

Gods...

I didn't say anything. I stopped breathing the longer she stared at me, waiting for me to answer with nothing but a gentle smile she would always give out.

"Do you like this school, Anna?" she repeated. I nodded.

"Yes," I whimpered out. It was quiet. I didn't want to cry, so I spoke quietly. Her smile was killing me. She was killing me.

"Anna..."

"Hm?" I tried putting up a smile. My visions blurred. I couldn't see her. I couldn't see that smile of hers. I couldn't see her tears. I was dying.

"Anna, do you have any friends in this school?" _I have you._

"Yes. Yes I do."

"Anna..."

Fucking hell, stop it. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP IT!

I whimpered silently. Kristoff was holding my hand tightly. Rapunzel was holding my hand tightly. Olaf had his hands on my shoulder, squeezing it. They didn't even care if I had my nails ripping through their skin, making them bleed.

I stayed strong. I shouldn't be crying.

"Anna, would you like to help me through the years...?" _Stop it... I'm begging you..._

"Yes..."

"Anna... would you like to be... the love of my life?"

I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted her to stop talking. I wanted to kill myself.

But I was happy. "Yes... I'd love to. I love you."

We got married two year later.

We were happy.

She was a sick girl.

She never got a chance to go to college.

And a year after we got married, she wanted a child. She wanted to be the one to have it. And that scared me.

We were at home, eating dinner that she made perfectly with love and affection. I was tired from work and didn't have the right emotion to talk, didn't even have the right amount of energy to even think either. And like she never noticed, though she'd always comfort me from work, she said it.

"Elsa, do you have any idea what you're saying?!" I shouted.

But she stayed sturdy and poise. "I do. I want a child."

I rolled my eyes. I was panicking, really. "Then if you want one... we can adopt." That was the only option.

"But I don't want to adopt."

I frowned and stopped eating. I got up from the chair and walked around the living room, hands on my head, pulling my hair. I was scared. For her. I turned to her. "Elsa, you don't realize how... how... how crazy that thought of bearing a child in you is. If this is what you want, a child, I will bear it. Not you."

"I want to be the one."

"WHY ARE YOU BEING SO STUBBORN?!" I shouted. That was unnecessary. I didn't need to shout. But she stayed where she was. She knew I was going to act like this.

I sighed and sat back down. We stayed silent for quite a long time. "I... I'm sorry. I shouldn't be yelling at you like that. I'm worried about you, Elsa..." I looked at her. It was so unnecessary to smile like that to me.

Her hand came up to my head, massaging my scalp softly with her beautiful fingers. "Can't I have this wish to bear my own child?"

I wanted to refuse. I wanted to yell again.

"Elsa, you can't—"

"I really want this. Give me this one thing. Please?"

We stared at each other for a moment. I was so tired. But I loved her too much to even refuse. I loved her too much to even agree. I wanted to make her happy. I wanted to spoil her with everything, make her the queen of the castle. She wanted a child. Then so be it.

I took her hand and squeezed. I kissed her forehead, nose, to her beautiful lips. I loved this moment. Every single moment of our lives together. I didn't want to ruin things for her. I wanted her to be happy. It'd make me happy.

Really.

"Please?" she asked, tilting her head and pouted cutely.

I smiled. "You dumbie." I squeezed her cheeks. Her smile was so joyful and warm.

"Please?" she asked again. I sighed and nodded. She screamed happily and hugged me tightly, kissing my neck.

"But we have to discuss this with mom and dad, first, alright?" I pushed her away.

And they agreed to it when we talked to them a week after. Really, they did. Mom and Dad wanted her to be happy just as much as I wanted her to be.

Half a year later, the vitro worked. She started having these symptoms. I was starting to worry about her just because of her morning sicknesses, but we were so happy that it worked. She never really got extremely sick that she had to stay in bed.

And then one day...

She really did end up staying in bed, with a fever, with stomach pains, headaches. She was throwing up. But I couldn't stay by her side. I needed to work, find money for our new family. For the baby.

I tucked her in bed, finding her sweating and breathing heavily. I let myself change her clothes silently, washing her body up with cold water, change the cooling patch on her forehead. And when I found the time, I cooked some porridge for her and fed her.

She didn't take it well and threw up.

"Elsa!" I shouted. She huffed and puffed, moaning and groaning. Her eyes were closed as she fell down heavily back to the mattress. "Elsa... Elsa... wake up," I whimpered, shaking her. She didn't wake. "Elsa!" She woke.

"Mm..." she turned to me, her eyes opened now, dark and faint. "Anna...? Is it time for dinner?"

It was morning.

But I nodded. "Yeah..." I said, holding my tears in. "Yeah, it's time for dinner. I'll help you up. You need to eat something..." I encouraged her when she refused to eat. I had to feed her like how I'd feed a kid.

It was a mess.

I fed her slowly. I didn't even care if I was late now. She didn't take the food in well. But she ate, at least.

I cleaned up afterwards too and got a call from my boss. He was kind enough to give me some time to take care of Elsa before I could get to work.

She slept well now and was peaceful. I didn't want to wake her up, so I left her a note that I'd be gone for a few hours and food would be in the microwave, medicine and water would be next to her.

Elsa still wasn't okay.

A few weeks of more sickness, she was okay by then. Months later, her belly got bigger and she could already feel kicks.

"Anna!" she shouted happily through the living room. Out of panic, I came out of the kitchen with a spatula in my hand.

"Something wrong?!" I shouted, but only saw her giggling.

"Anna, come here!"

I came as she waved to me.

"Give me your hand." I gave my hand to her and she took it to her belly.

"Feel here." I looked at her, funny but was suddenly so amazed when I felt a kick.

"Oh my god, Elsa..." I got on my knee and had my ear against her belly. "Hey... little baby. It's your mom..." I whispered. It kicked. I laughed and looked up to my beautiful wife. "It kicked, Elsa! Can you feel it?!"

She laughed and nodded.

"It recognizes me!" I had the side of my head against her belly again. "C'mon... kick again..." I was concentrating so hard with my tongue out of my mouth.

Indeed it kicked.

And now, I was just grinning so widely and so happily. "Hey baby..." I whispered, rubbing my beautiful wife's belly. "When you grow up... baby, Mommy and I will be watching you go to school every day. You're going to grow up big and happy and gentle like your mommy. You'll find great friends and if you're being bullied, you will beat them up and Mom will cheer for you."

I earned a slap on the head. "Ow! What was that for?!"

Elsa frowned. "You do not tell our kid to beat others up, you got that?"

I grumbled and got back to talking to my kid. "Fine... never mind... Mommy doesn't want us to beat kids up. Be nice and gentle like your mommy alright? Unlike now, for hitting me..." I mumbled to myself.

"What did you say?"

"Nothing! I said nothing..." I got up and sat next to Elsa. I kissed her cheek, hugging her body. She hummed comfortably on my shoulder. "The baby will grow up nice and beautiful... like you, Elsa."

"I'm sure the baby will..."

She wanted to do this at home. To give birth.

It was almost time for her to give birth too. Only a few more weeks until then.

I was angry. "No, Elsa you are not doing that. You will go to the hospital, Elsa. I will not allow you..." I choked on my cries. "I... will not allow _you _and the _baby_ to be in danger..."

"I want to."

I covered my ears, shaking my head. "No... no, no, no... NO! I'M NOT GIVING YOU THIS WISH TO YOU!"

She begged. "Please... I want to feel her."

"YOU'RE BEING UNREASONABLE, ELSA!" I shouted at her. I was angry. I was scared. I was worried. I panicked.

"Anna... I want this."

"DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH RIGHT NOW?!"

"Anna... I want to feel my baby coming out of me. I want to be the first to hold her in our home... I want you to hold her..."

I shook my head. I didn't want to listen anymore. I wanted her to stop. "No, no, no, no..."

"Please, Anna... give me just this." How could she be so calm in front of me?

I was crying. "You dumbie..." I was really crying now. She was hugging me now in her soft, gentle arms. I could feel the bump of her belly. "You dumbie, I won't allow this. I'm not giving permission for this."

"Please? For me and your daughter?"

"No."

"Please?" She cradled me left to right in her arms.

"NO."

"I love you? Please?" Why did she have to act so cute all the time?

I wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled away. I frowned. "If... if we're doing that... I don't want to lose you."

I felt her pout. "But I don't get sick anymore," she said. "I feel fine."

I worried. She made this sound like this was joke. "I want to make you happy," I told her.

"I am!" she shouted happily. Her eyes sparkled as she looked at me. Her hands cupped my cheeks. "Are you?"

I was silent. I couldn't look at her in the eyes.

"Are you happy, Anna?" She tilted her head, watching me with curiosity. She pinched my cheeks softly, squashing them, playing with me until she got my attention. My heart warmed from her smile.

"Are you happy, my love?"

"I'm happy," I whispered. "Very... happy..." I smiled.

Days passed... it was finally time.

It happened.

It was Christmas night when her water broke.

It was Christmas night when conveniently... she was so sick with a high fever.

We were at home with the heater on.

It was Christmas. It was snowing hard.

Cars were nowhere to be seen. The clouds were so grey that it was black; the snowflakes were so thick that it'd cover me in seconds if I were to ever go out there. They were falling down quick.

It was Christmas...

I was in panic. I didn't know what I was going to do. I called our parents. Mom and Dad came along with a mid wife.

"Anna, just be beside her at all times, alright? I'll grab some hot water..." Mom told me. I nodded frantically and took Elsa's hand. I looked down, seeing our wedding rings. My heart ached. She moaned and groaned in bed, wriggling under the blanket.

"Elsa..." I kissed her hand. "Elsa... stay with me..." I sobbed silently into her hand. So tired... I was so tired...

"I'm here, Elsa... I'm right here..." I whispered, staring at my poor girl.

Her eyes opened slowly. The way her eyes bags deepened and darkened was horrible. I wanted to get rid of her pain. I should've known. I shouldn't have given her permission.

I should've known.

"Anna..." Her voice was weak.

I smiled. "Yeah? What is it baby?" I squeezed her hand. I was here. I was with her all along.

"What should we name our daughter...?"

"Huh...?" I blinked. Stop... it.

"Should we call her Katelyn? It's been in my mind for months already, Anna. I want to call her Katelyn..." I could barely hear her talk.

I didn't care what our baby was named. I cared about her health.

I nodded frantically with a smile so bitter that I could taste it. "Yeah... Yeah, Katelyn is beautiful..." Please...

Contractions were starting again. She was shouting, yelling, crying in pain, clenching onto my hands with all her might until I bled. I was praying beside her, crying beside her as the mid wife did her work.

Please God, I prayed. Elsa needs to be okay. Katelyn needs to be okay. I love them. Don't take them away from me please. PLEASE!

It'd been hours already.

Elsa was constantly fainting from the pain.

Constantly waking up to sudden pain.

My heart bled for her.

I comforted her, tried to help the mid wife. I couldn't.

I had to be beside her. I had to go through this with her. She was holding my hand so tightly, not letting go, and not wanting me to go away. I didn't allow myself to go. Even if I needed to go the restroom, I didn't. I ended up peeing on the floor.

Nobody bothered to even complain about it.

"Elsa... Elsa... I'm here... it's okay..." I whispered, smoothing her sweaty hair as she continued to moan in pain. My voice cracked. "It's okay... baby..." I was wiping sweats off of her ever so often.

I continued to pray. I couldn't allow her to go.

I thought I was day dreaming.

There were cries.

Baby cries.

It was a miracle.

I picked my head up from Elsa's hand and looked around. I wasn't even crying anymore. "Huh?" I muttered, tears continuously falling down my cheeks. A wrapping of blankets came to my view as the mid wife brought it to me.

"It's here..." the mid wife told me and handed the baby to me. I stared at her... Katelyn.

She was like her mother. With platinum hair, big blue eyes, pale skin.

I was happy. "Katelyn..." I smiled. Katelyn continued to cry. I loved it. Elsa should love it too.

"Elsa...?" I turned to my wife—

No.

Her eyes were closed.

"ELSA!" I held her hand, gripping it tightly. "Elsa!" I screamed again. With a tired groan, she opened her eyes and saw me hovering above her with a blur.

"Anna...?"

I was crying now, tears streaming down my cheeks, plopping down on Elsa's face. "Hey... Elsa, it's Katelyn... she's here! She looks just like you!" I didn't need to cry in front of her. But I did.

Her eyes were towards my arm now. "Kate...lyn...?"

"Yeah... Yeah, it's our baby..." I brought her for Elsa to see. "Isn't she beautiful?"

She was so tired.

"Yes... she is..." she said, voice tired and softer than ever. "Our... beautiful baby..." I let her hold the baby for a minute.

"Katelyn..." she whispered. She looked up to me. "She's pretty... Anna..."

"Yeah, like you... she's the most beautiful thing ever." I shouldn't be crying.

It was Christmas.

She was a sick girl.

"Anna...?"

"Hm...?"

"Here..." She handed Katelyn back to me. I took her in my arms. I played with the baby girl for a second, calling her name, cradling her in my arms. She watched me with a smile.

"Anna...?"

I turned to my beautiful wife. "Yeah?"

"I'm a bit tired... I want to sleep for a minute, is that okay?"

My eyes widened. No. That was not okay.

I shook my head. I grabbed her hand, gripping it hard. "No... No, that's not okay. Here, let's talk for a minute, alright? Look at our beautiful little girl. She's going to grow up to be such a nice girl. Right, Katelyn?"

She smiled. I squeezed her hand. I was crying hard. I tried to hide it.

I wiped my tears off with my arm. It wouldn't stop.

"Elsa, watch me talk to her, alright?" I turned to the baby. "Hey, little baby... Katelyn... our beautiful baby..." I cradled her softly. Elsa was smiling so weakly to me.

"Anna...?"

"Yeah...?"

"I love you..."

What...?

I stayed silent. I didn't answer her back, deny reality and started talking to Katelyn again.

"Katelyn... Mommy is so proud of you... So is Mom. We're going to watch you grow up, take your first step, go to preschool, graduate from elementary school and turn into a big girl. Maybe you'll get a boyfriend... but only when you finish high school because you are a beautiful girl. You'll get many rewards. Mommy will teach you how to play piano. I will teach you how to fend off bad guys. Ah, Mommy will teach you how to cook! She'll cut your hair for you when it grows too long, brush your beautiful hair and wash it. If you really want, we can all have a water gun fight if it gets too hot in the summer. We're going to be a great family... We'll watch you grow into a great kid, right Elsa...?"

I turned to her.

"El... sa...?"

Her eyes were closed.

My eyes were blurred from tears. "Elsa...? W-What are you doing...? Stop playing around. W-Wake up." I shook her hand. She wasn't moving. I looked down to her hand. "Elsa...?"

I grabbed her hand and raised it to the air and let go. It dropped loosely down to the mattress.

"El...sa..."

My visions were so blurry. I couldn't even see my beautiful girls because of the tears.

I grabbed her hand again, raised it and let go. Again, it dropped loosely down.

I didn't believe it.

I was shaking my head, holding her hand tightly. I couldn't believe this.

"No..." I cried. "No, you're not doing this to me... you can't..."

I did it again. And again. I kissed her lips. She felt cold.

Mom and Dad were constantly yelling in the background, trying to call for someone, trying to call the doctor. I didn't even pay attention to them.

I was scared. My heart broke into shattered pieces. She really did it. She really left...

"No... Elsa... don't you want to watch Katelyn grow? Don't... you want to have high school reunions...? Elsa... why are you leaving...?"

She didn't answer. She couldn't answer.

I started crying hard, wrapping Katelyn in my arms, falling down and embraced Elsa into a hug, wrapping her tightly around me in hopes that she'd wake up. She was cold. She didn't move. She wasn't breathing.

She... was...

"ELSA!" I sobbed against her chest. "You can't do this... Elsa... wake up... You can't leave me like this... Please..."

"You can't... Elsa... you dumbie... I love you... Elsa... wake up..."

Silence.

"ELSA!"

* * *

><p>I shouldn't have met her.<p>

I should've gone to school without her.

I shouldn't have talked to her.

If these things didn't happen, if we never had the chance to meet, she wouldn't have died.

I didn't need to love her. It was a choice. It wasn't fate.

She wouldn't have died.

We wouldn't have to meet.

This wasn't fate. It was a choice.

Five years had passed. I lived alone now. I worked every day until late night. I didn't like to be in an empty house with empty memories that I was regretting.

Five years. I was a bad mom. I couldn't take care of my baby girl... or myself. I had Elsa's mom and dad take care of her all these years anyway. And not even once, I came to say hi to Katelyn. I was ashamed with myself.

It was midnight. There were dozens of mails in my mailbox from a long time ago until now. I didn't even try to open them up.

Dishes were piling up in the sink.

Garbage was everywhere. I didn't bother.

I dropped my bag behind the front door and went into the kitchen and out with a can of beer.

The living room. I hated there.

All these memories took place there.

But I went in anyway and sat down on the couch with no care in the world.

I drank away, hearing the clock tick away, locking my misery away. I wanted to get away from reality.

Slowly, my eyes met a picture in frame. I took it in my hand and smiled, seeing Elsa in an open field with a white dress, her braid going with the wind, that smile she would always have in front of me.

I smiled, letting my fingers trace over her figure.

"Elsa..." I whispered. "I miss you... I can't do this without you..." The clock continued to tick, replying to me.

"What is it like up there... watching over me? How's Katelyn doing, Elsa, can you tell?" I looked up to the full moon and back down to the picture. "Are you happy up there?"

Of course, no one answered me back.

"Elsa... I haven't seen Katelyn for five years... I'm pretty sure she's in pre K now. I've been talking to Mom and Dad though. They said she's doing fine, even though she sometimes asks about Mommy and... Me. Hey, if I ever meet her... do you think she'll hate me for abandoning her?"

I had to answer that myself with a chuckle.

"You're always smiling this happy to me..." I said, lifting the picture up. "Are you smiling like that now?"

I chuckled. "Cheers to you, my beautiful wife." And I drank.

I smiled. "If you're here right now, you probably wouldn't even let me buy cans of beer or even let me drink. I'm glad that you're not here to witness this and yell at me."

* * *

><p>I had a day off the next day.<p>

And since I had nothing to do, I decided to go to Elsa's parent's home. Seeing the house empty, I used the extra key and opened the door and took my shoes off.

Silently, I went to the kitchen and grabbed a beer, opened it and drank. I heard rapid tiny footsteps behind me. I turned around. Nothing. I rolled my eyes as I continued to hear rapid footsteps descending through the hall.

I drank.

"KATELYN STOP RUNNING AROUND THE GOD DAMN HOUSE!" I shouted.

I went out to the hall and searched for her. "Where the hell are you, Elsa's parents..." I mumbled to myself, walking faster as I tried to find my daughter until I found a glimpse of platinum around the corner and a toy car with a string attached to it on the floor.

I groaned and downed my beer. I crossed my arms. "Katelyn."

She shuffled a little bit and looked at me with big blue eyes before hiding in her same old spot again.

I rolled my eyes. "You know I can see you right? Come here."

She shook her head.

"Katelyn. Come to Mom. Now."

She was quietly nodding, slowly coming out from her hiding spot, dragging the toy car around behind her with the string. She was wearing a white dress with a little school bag around her shoulders.

I grimaced as she came to view. She looked just like her mother. She was so beautiful.

But she was so tiny, skinny and quiet. Her eyes were watery.

I frowned. "Are you crying now?"

She shook her head frantically as she wiped her eyes. I observed her for a moment as her blue eyes met with mine. Bruises were on her knees.

I glared at it and got down on my knees. "When the hell did you get these bruises?"

She didn't speak.

"Does Grandma know?"

Katelyn nodded. I grumbled to myself. "Don't move. Sit right here." She did as she was told, playing with her toy car as I went to the bathroom and search for band aids and lotion. I came back with pieces of band aids and a cup of lotion.

"Katelyn, living room. Now."

She got up immediately and ran to the living room without me. I followed her behind. And because she ran, she tripped and fell face flat on the floor. She didn't even make a sound.

I groaned. "God damn it, you clumsy, son of a—" I cleared my throat. "Get up," I commanded.

Slowly, she got to her feet with me watching her from behind, covering her nose and went straight for the couch, holding onto her toy car tightly in her hands. It amazed me how obedient she was... how quiet she was. Just like her mother.

I started patching her up and when I finished, her stomach growled.

I looked up, seeing her staring at me with those big blue eyes in fascination. She didn't seem to hate me.

"Where's grandma and grandpa?"

She shrugged. Probably at work.

"Did they leave any food for you?"

She shook her head.

"God, what kind of grandparents, are you guys to starve a god damn kid?" I should be asking myself that.

"What do you want to eat?"

She shrugged. I slapped her cheeks softly. "Speak up." She nodded; her face lit up, but was now timid.

"Ice cream..."

I stared, eyes widened and teary already. I shook my head. "No. You are not getting ice cream, you hear me? I'll get you some rice..." I got up and walked straight to the kitchen, crying behind her back. I covered my mouth to silence myself. Leaning against the wall, I was already crying really hard, thinking about my wife.

Like Elsa. She was just like Elsa...

She shouldn't be like her.

When I finished cooking, Katelyn was just silently sitting in the living room, playing with her toy on the floor.

"Food's here."

She got up immediately and went straight to the table, eyeing the food, instantly drooling. I watched her as she fed herself, trying to get the spoon in her mouth. Many times, she'd failed to do it herself. I had to feed her.

She hadn't talked a lot.

"Do you talk?" I asked as I fed her.

She chewed first and nodded.

"Then speak. It's boring here."

She nodded again and thought, this time.

"Mom?" She pointed at me.

I nodded. "Yes, I'm your mom." A very bad mom.

She beamed a very large smile on her face.

She slowly got down from the chair and went straight to the drawer beside the couch; bringing a picture frame to me.

Katelyn had her tiny pale fingers pointed at Elsa. I glared, hands clenching on my knee. "Mommy?" She looked up, her eyes all proud and happy.

She tilted her head when I didn't answer. I was angry. I was sad.

"Mommy?" she repeated, tugging at my shirt. I blinked away the tears.

"Yeah, that's mommy."

She smiled, nodding proudly, putting the picture frame behind her back. Why was she smiling so happily? "Where's Mommy?"

That's why.

I bit the inside of my cheeks.

I brushed Katelyn's hair back. "Mommy's in a far away land. She won't be back for a long time, alright?" I hoped I convinced her.

"Land?" She tilted her head. Curious.

I nodded.

"Can we go there too?" she asked. I shook my head. _Control yourself, Anna. Don't cry in front of your daughter._

I took a deep breath. "No. It's very far away. It takes a long time to get there." A very, very, very long time.

Katelyn pouted. "I wanna go..."

I sighed. "Katelyn, don't be stubborn." Like your mother. "I don't know what to say."

"I want to see Mommy..."

"Katelyn... so do I. But we can't, alright?"

"Mommy looks pretty in the picture..."

"I know she does, honey." I knew... I miss you, Elsa...

"Can we go see Mommy, then?"

"KATELYN, ENOUGH!" I shouted. She blinked and stared in shock. I didn't need to yell like that. I needed to calm down. I sighed, closing my eyes.

"I'm sorry. Mom's having a bad day today." Almost every day.

She tugged on my sleeve. I looked at her.

"What?" I said.

"Let's go."

"What...?" I blinked.

"A trip! I wanna go on a trip! I want to make Mom happy!" How could she say this when I left her?

"A trip?"

She nodded with a beautiful smile. "Yup! Let's go!" She had her fist up in the air. Her little feet constantly jumping up and down.

_If that's what makes her happy..._

I agreed to it and packed up some stuff for us on our trip. She wanted to carry everything that I took with me, but I didn't let her. She didn't even try to pursue it anymore.

We had to take a bullet train to where we were headed to. An open field.

I let her sit next to the window as she admired everything. There really wasn't anything that caught my sight, but things really did catch hers. I stared at her tiny figure as she leaned against the window, mouth gapped open in wonder, eyes glistering in happiness and fascination.

I rolled my eyes. What was so fascinating to her anyway?

We managed to get to the open field by evening. There were lilies everywhere and she looked at the bed of flowers in amazement as I stayed behind her, kind of glad that she was this happy.

She ran through the bed of flowers, laughing by herself, screaming and yelling 'flowers' every now and then. I sat down on a bench and watched her do the most random things through the sunset. I couldn't help but smile.

She was happy.

I wanted to be someone that could bring her this happiness I once give to Elsa.

I wanted to take care of her. For my sake. For Elsa's sake.

I was happy.

"Be careful!" I shouted. She turned to my direction and waved. I waved back.

She disappeared into the bed of flowers again and emerged with a little crown in her hands a moment after. She ran towards me, and ended up tripping.

"Katelyn!" I shouted, getting up and was about to run up to her, until she came back up from her fall, rubbing her forehead.

This clumsy girl. No wonder why she got all those bruises. No wonder why Mom didn't even bother healing it.

This dumbie...

She still came running up to me and when she was finally in front of me, she motioned for me to get down. I got down.

"Princess!" she shouted as she put the crown on top of my head. I blinked and looked at her with a beautiful smile, hands behind her tiny back.

"Prin...cess?"

She nodded. "Mmhm. Princess! And I am the prince! I take care of the princess!" She pounded her chest with her fist in imaginary pride. "When Mommy comes back, she'll be the queen!"

I was speechless. I tried to speak but I couldn't. Words were caught in my throat. Quietness took over. It was suffocating.

I had my head down, chuckling to myself so that she couldn't see me crying. My vision blurred. I closed my eyes as tears fell.

"Katelyn..." I grabbed her shoulder and sighed. "Am I... a good mom to you...?"

She was confused there for a second, but nodded. "You are the greatest mom ever!"

I smiled bitterly. "Even though I haven't taken care of you for so long, you still think that?"

She nodded again. "Because Grandma said you are a great person."

"I am? Why?"

"You take care of Mommy all the time. You make Mommy happy. And... and... and she told me that if you're ever sad about something, I should cheer you up..."

I clenched her shoulder hard.

"Mom... are you sad?" She had her hand on my cheek. I held her little hand.

I shook my head. "No... No, Mom is very happy with my Katelyn. I'm very happy..."

"Okay..."

"Katelyn, were you... lonely? Without Mommy or me... with you, were you ever lonely...?"

She stayed silent for a second. "Yup..." And that hurt.

"Then... because since I've been such a bad mom, would it be alright if I stay with you...?"

She nodded. "Yup..."

I bit my lips. "Then If I stay... I'll try my best to take care of my little Katelyn, okay?" I looked up.

Katelyn had the gentlest smile on her face, all worried and with care. I couldn't stand it. I wanted to kill myself.

"Okay," she said, nodding. And I started crying again, thanking Elsa, and thanking my baby girl.

"Grandma... also said that if you're ever sad, I should hug. Do you want a hug?"

I nodded. This hurt. A lot.

"I will hug you now..." And she came and hug me, tiny hands behind my back. My eyes widened, tears constantly streaming down my cheeks.

"Elsa..." I cried. And I cried even harder, hugged Katelyn even harder as if she was my wonderful wife.

"Mom...?"

"Hm...?"

"Can I cry now...?"

Huh?

"I can't hold it in anymore..." She was so strong...

"Katelyn..."

"Mom... I want to cry..."

I was so weak. I nodded, hugging her even tighter. "Yeah... Yeah, you can cry now, honey..." And before she knew it, she was crying even harder than me, pressing her face against my shoulder, her little arms wrapped around my back, her voice loud and so miserable and lonely.

"I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry, Katelyn..." I whispered to her as she continued to cry her heart out for me, for her, for Elsa.

And we stayed like this for so long, weeping into each other's arms. It was becoming night now and we were already going back home after a few comfort sessions and a little mother and daughter time together.

I looked at Katelyn and smiled, seeing her sucking on a lollipop. I turned to window, happy and relaxed.

"Mom," she turned to me and nudged my leg.

"Hm?" I turned to my baby girl.

"How was Mommy like before she went away to the far away land?" Oh.

My heart tightened. I shouldn't cry. I should just tell.

I looked out to the night sky. My hands were now in a fist. I couldn't hide it, I knew.

I smiled and turned to her. I let my fingers comb her soft, nearly white hair.

"How was Mommy like... hmm... well, first of all, Mommy and I met in school. She was my best friend—my only friend. At first, I thought Mommy was a very strange person, but she was very beautiful. She was very gentle to people and was very cheerful. She was never sad and... and... huh...?" I touched my cheeks. Tears.

"Mom...?"

I couldn't even stare at Katelyn. I quickly wiped the tears away from me. "S-Sorry... Mom just misses Mommy that's all." I tried to smile. I failed miserably.

"S-So... M-Mommy... Mommy's very— oh god... Elsa..." And I started crying hard, covering myself with my hands. I shouldn't let Katelyn see me crying.

And I continued to cry until I noticed Katelyn hadn't said a word.

But she wasn't there sitting next to me.

My eyes widened. I wiped my tears away.

"Katelyn...?" I got up and started looking around for her in the empty car. I was already at the end of it, the bathroom right in front of me. I knocked on the bathroom door. "Katelyn are you in there?" I knocked again and finally the door unlocked, revealing a little girl.

"What are you doing in there—wait, are you crying?" I got down.

She looked at me with a pout, her eyes and nose red.

"Why are you crying?"

"B-Because Mom is sad..."

"Why in there though?"

She sniffled, looking down on the floor, hands in front of her belly. "Because... Grandma told me that... that the bathroom is the only place you should cry..."

I clenched onto my chest. I bit my lips.

"And in Mommy and Mom's arms..."

My eyes widened. I had no tears left in me. My heart was aching so much that I thought I was going to die from the heartache. My lips trembled as we stayed silent, me looking down at her, her looking down at the floor as it rumbled through the train tracks. I chuckled bitterly, letting my fingers run through my hair.

"Kate—"

I was startled when she came towards me, her head on my shoulder. She was shuddering. I couldn't believe it. She was crying hard now. I couldn't stand it and started whimpering too.

I hugged my baby girl. "It's okay now... I'm here... It's okay..."

"R-Really... Mom?"

"Yeah... Yeah, I'm here. Always."

Her crying continued on. I stayed by her side. I'd always stay by her side.

And for the past few months, Katelyn was back living with me. I kept myself tidied up just for her and for Elsa. She was a nice kid to be honest. Mom and Dad taught her well. But because I had to go to work early and come back late at night, Mom and Dad had to take her to school and bring her back home. I really didn't spend much time with her. But we both had a special bond together. And I loved her very much.

And then... one day... like her mother...

She got sick.

And sicker she became as winter arrived. She couldn't go to school anymore. She couldn't even talk to me anymore.

I quit my job to take care of her.

Months had passed and still, she didn't feel any better. The doctor said that it was the same illness Elsa once had. I was scared once again. I was scared for her life.

"Kate... Kate, wake up... it's time for you to eat..." I said. She couldn't eat. If she did, she'd only throw up. So I had to feed her soup or milk. She ate it all just fine though. But she looked so skinny and devastating.

So fragile.

Her breathing was heavy and she was sweating all over. I couldn't bear watching her or touch her. She was just like Elsa.

Just like Elsa...

And then one day...

"Mom...?"

"Yeah?" I sat beside her, putting the food down on my lap. It was snowing. It was Christmas. Her birthday.

"What... day is it?" she weakly mumbled.

"It's Christmas, honey..."

She nodded as I swept wet bangs away from her eyes.

"Merry Christmas... Mom..."

I smiled bitterly. "Merry Christmas and happy birthday to you too..."

She reached her hand out. I took it.

"Mom... I wanna go on a trip."

"Later... when you get better."

She shook her head. "No I want to go now..."

I grimaced and tightened my grip on her hand. This was how Elsa died. From her stubbornness.

"No, honey. Not now. Once you're better... we can go, okay? I'll buy you anything you want..."

"Please... Mom... I wanna go... It's Christmas... birthday..."

"Katelyn..."

"Please..."

I stayed silent as I watched her expression of tiredness. She really wanted this.

"Please..." she begged again. I nodded.

"Alright... let's go on a trip. Let's get you dressed..." I didn't want to agree.

And we got dressed slowly in our warm, comfy home. I had her wear layers after layers until she looked like a human ball. And when we got out, she looked so vulnerable. But she had a smile on her for the first time as she looked up to the cloudy sky and falling snow. She tried walking. I had to help her. I told her that I wanted to carry her, but because of her stubbornness, she wanted to walk by herself. I held her hand tightly.

Her smile faded slowly.

And we walked in the snow and cold in her pace. Each step she took, it was careful. Each step she took, the sicker she got. Each step she took, she was breathing heavier.

Each step she took, she was... closer to Elsa...

I grimaced, watching her carefully, holding her hand tightly; wanting to end the pain Elsa had given her. Her breathing was ragged. Her body was cold. She was dazed.

"Kate... let's go back in," I told her. She didn't even have the energy to even listen to me.

And she fell down finally in a pile of snow.

"KATELYN!" I got down and quickly picked her up in my arms, seeing her eyes closed as she breathed heavily. "Katelyn, wake up!" I shook her. She didn't wake. I froze. "C'mon..." I mumbled to myself. I shook her again and this time, she actually did.

"Katelyn... Katelyn, let's get back home, alright? Let's go on a trip next time... okay?"

She stared at me so painfully with no strength, no energy. "Mom...? Why is it so dark...? Is it already night...?"

I blinked. "What...?"

"Is it time to go to bed...?"

It was morning.

I held my cries down, but it was so hard to manage that I couldn't even stop myself. I nodded. "Yeah... it is..."

"Mom... why are you crying...? Don't cry..."

I tried to smile. "I'm not crying... I'm here... I'm happy... see?" I let her touch me cheek, bringing her hand up to me. I could see her smile as she nodded.

"I see..." Her voice was so weak, I could barely hear it.

"Mom...?"

"Yeah?"

"Where's Mommy...? Is that her...?" She weakly pointed over her shoulder.

I looked back. I saw nothing but blankets of snow behind me. God... no...

I turned back to my baby girl. I feared for her. But I smiled. I nodded.

"Yeah... yeah that's Mommy..."

She smiled. "She's pretty... isn't she...?"

"Yeah... she is... Katelyn... baby, let's go back, alright...?"

She ignored me.

"Mom...?"

"Yeah...?"

"I love you..."

What...?

And slowly, her eyes began to shut; her hand began to slide off my cheek. I stared at the limped girl—my daughter... my precious daughter... that was in my arms... that I loved very much...

"Katelyn...?"

She wasn't waking up even if I shook her hard enough. I slapped her cheeks for a few times.

"Katelyn... what are you doing...?" I hugged her, trying to give her some of my warmth. She was so cold against me. She was so sick.

I cradled her in my arms, unable to cry, unable to feel in the snow. "Katelyn... my beautiful daughter..."

"Katelyn... Elsa..."

I looked up to the cloudy sky. Snow melted as it landed on my face. "Why are you... taking her away from me... Elsa...?"

Snow continued to fall down towards us slowly. I continued to look up, cursing the world.

And I really started crying loudly in the snow, wrapping Katelyn in my arms tightly, holding onto dear life.

"WHY DID YOU TAKE HER AWAY FROM ME?! ELSA, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?! WHY?!" I shouted, tears streaming down from the corner of my eyes rapidly, constantly as I begged to my dead wife. The streets were empty and cold. No one could hear me. No one would hear my pleads.

"I'm begging you! Give me back my daughter, please, Elsa!" I could only beg to the cold air.

"Please! Elsa... I'm begging you... why did you leave me...? Why are you taking her away from me now...?" I cried. I was so hurt. I wanted to die. I wanted to be with my family...

But I stayed. That Christmas day... I stayed in the snow, crying and pleading for my daughter. I had my arms wrapped tightly around my little girl that was sleeping so peacefully in my embrace. I kissed my little girls forehead, hoping that she'd wake.

Tears continued to stream down my face. I was beginning to think that I was going to go crazy. I looked up to the sky and laughed bitterly, cradling Katelyn in my arms tightly.

"Why are you both leaving me...?"

You were a sick girl.

I loved you.

I shouldn't have met you.

Katelyn wouldn't have to be born.

I shouldn't have gone to school with you.

I should've gone to school without you.

I shouldn't have talked to you.

If these things didn't happen, if we never had this chance to meet, she wouldn't have died.

I didn't need to love her. It was a choice. It wasn't fate.

_She wouldn't have died... and neither would you. _

* * *

><p><strong><em>Merry Christmas! :DDDD<br>_**


End file.
